...and every time I turn a year older, as I'm sure many of you can relate, I have this feeling in the back of my mind...something like disappointment. The mountainous pile of things I never finished (college or that book I've started a gazillion times), people I left behind (everyone in Rawlins, WY or Denver, CO or Huntsville, TX...I miss a lot of them more than they will ever know), places I've never gone to or haven't visited in years (New York City, Boston, California and Port A). The more I think about it the more things crawl out of the recesses of my mind and lay themselves none too gently on this monolith atop me.
It is so easy to feel the weight and worthlessness of everything you never did. But just recently I've begun to feel something strange and foreign to me. A satisfaction with what I HAVE done thus far in my life. It feels like walking barefoot like you did when you were a child, familiar and good. That weight lifts off and flies away like a bird you've let out of a cage...my cage.
I may not have finished college. I may not have written that book (yet). I may not have been to the beach in years and years. But I HAVE performed my original poetry on stage in Austin in front of a building full of strangers backed by a group of guys playing a blues riff. I HAVE begun my own online boutique and secured my first and very own studio space. I HAVE made new friends that are there for me when I need them and that I can return the favor to. I HAVE traveled a bit (albeit not a LOT, but enough to want to do more). I HAVE painted paintings worth hanging on my wall. I HAVE written for the love of writing. I HAVE continued to acquire new hobbies and explore new art forms. I HAVE discovered many of my strengths and weaknesses. I HAVE had many bad days and made many bad decisions and it wasn't the end of the world. I HAVE been lucky. I HAVE been happy. I AM happy.
Photo by the lovely JenJen @ HER PHOTOBLOG
I don't know when that happened. But I'm glad it did. I feel like I am worth something despite the fact that I haven't become what I thought I would. I feel like I'm becoming something better. Like every day, whether I succeed or fail, I am getting closer to the very best of me. I will most definitely be chasing that for the rest of my life, but at least now I know that I don't have to arrive any time soon, if at all. The importance of feeling lacking is the bettering of one's self. And I think accepting that brings a lot of peace of mind.
I don't know why I posted this whole thing about adequacy and self-image. I guess it's just been on my mind lately and I very rarely feel "good enough" for most things in my life. But today, and more lately, I did feel "good enough". I felt like I had something to be proud of. I smiled a lot.
Ciao for now.