penny threads.
beautiful ideas. beautiful things.
07 April 2010
I had another birthday...
...and every time I turn a year older, as I'm sure many of you can relate, I have this feeling in the back of my mind...something like disappointment. The mountainous pile of things I never finished (college or that book I've started a gazillion times), people I left behind (everyone in Rawlins, WY or Denver, CO or Huntsville, TX...I miss a lot of them more than they will ever know), places I've never gone to or haven't visited in years (New York City, Boston, California and Port A). The more I think about it the more things crawl out of the recesses of my mind and lay themselves none too gently on this monolith atop me.
It is so easy to feel the weight and worthlessness of everything you never did. But just recently I've begun to feel something strange and foreign to me. A satisfaction with what I HAVE done thus far in my life. It feels like walking barefoot like you did when you were a child, familiar and good. That weight lifts off and flies away like a bird you've let out of a cage.
I may not have finished college. I may not have written that book (yet). I may not have been to the beach in years and years. But I HAVE performed my original poetry on stage in Austin in front of a building full of strangers backed by a group of guys playing a blues riff. I HAVE begun my own online boutique and secured my first and very own studio space. I HAVE made new friends that are there for me when I need them and that I can return the favor to. I HAVE traveled a bit (albeit not a LOT, but enough to want to do more). I HAVE painted paintings worth hanging on my wall. I HAVE written for the love of writing. I HAVE continued to acquire new hobbies and explore new art forms. I HAVE discovered many of my strengths and weaknesses. I HAVE had many bad days and made many bad decisions and it wasn't the end of the world. I HAVE been lucky. I HAVE been happy. I AM happy.

Photo by the lovely JenJen @ HER PHOTOBLOG

I don't know when that happened. But I'm glad it did. I feel like I am worth something despite the fact that I haven't become what I thought I would. I feel like I'm becoming something better. Like every day, whether I succeed or fail, I am getting closer to the very best of me. I will most definitely be chasing that for the rest of my life, but at least now I know that I don't have to arrive any time soon, if at all. The importance of feeling lacking is the bettering of one's self. And I think accepting that brings a lot of peace of mind.
I don't know why I posted this whole thing about adequacy and self-image. I guess it's just been on my mind lately and I very rarely feel "good enough" for most things in my life. But today, and more lately, I did feel "good enough". I felt like I had something to be proud of. I smiled a lot.
Ciao for now.
Renea Hanna
Penny Threads.
Blogger Jaimie said...
I think we all feel this way. I think it's totally healthy and I'm glad that you feel good enough. : )

Blogger Cat said...
wow, this post is amazing! First, I have to say I LOVE the way you wrote this. It felt so honest, so open. Just reading this I feel like I've known you for years. I love the bare writing that this post has. It's something that I think we all feel at times and it's good to know when we feel the complete opposite. It's nice to feel "good enough". I'm happy for you! :)


Blogger miss indie said...
I am so proud of you! I think the things you have accomplished are AMAZING [reading poetry in for of a crowd?! I wish I were as brave as you!!], and I know that you are going to accomplish so many more wicked awesome things.
We've only known each other a little while, but you are so inspiring to me and I love that we are becoming friends!
YOU ARE SERIOUSLY COOL. Never forget it. :]

Happy Birthday chica! :) I know exactly how you feel. I am not becoming the person I ever imagined and I love it! You are so wonderful and are such an amazing person. I feel a strong connection with you even though we've only interacted a short time so far. You have a beautiful soul and are going BIG places with yourself. I can't wait till I have one of your original paintings in my house. It will be sooner rather than later. :)

Blogger O Bella Naturals said...
Awesome for you Renea! I don't know if this is a mid-20's things, a self-exploration thing, or just something that we have in common, but I feel the very same way!
One thing I know for sure, is you have lived in some cool places, I would love love to live in Colorado and Wyoming. And another thing I know for sure is that you are one cool girl with a knack for expressing yourself and are incredibly talented! I, too, haven't finished college (or finished a music CD, or played a gig recently, or moved out west yet!), and the nagging comes to bite me in the butt quite often, but you've put a great way of looking at things. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights, I feel like I know you a bit more, you are beautiful inside and out!
PS. Your surprise package is on it's way :)

Anonymous Anonymous said...
We have so many things/feelings in common that it's scary :)
I feel that way too... Like I know I'm still young and have time but whenever I have a birthday, I look back and think that I wanted to have accomplished more through the years. I haven't finished college either, or danced professionally for a while, I've been wanting to open an Etsy shop but for this or for that it hasn't been possible yet and I've been wanting to do so many things that my biological clock keeps pointing at that I sometimes forget to enjoy. But I think that for many of us, as we get older, it gets better!!
Great post.
Much love!!

Blogger Anna Liesemeyer said...
this is a beautiful post. I think you are so right...sometimes I feel disappointed at the ending of a year, but its good to look back at what you accomplished and know where you want to go next. Happy Birthday!

Blogger Violet Bella said...
renea, how i missed this post, i have no idea, but im glad i found it! god i just love reading what you write, its so honest and real, and the words you choose are always perfect. im glad you had this day all to yourself to feel this way. you know how i feel about you, i think you are an amazingly talented woman who is just blossoming and growing. it doesnt need to happen over night, as long as you are reaching for your greatness, the life you want, the places that will make you the happiest. allowing yourself to be content right where you are is a wonderful thing. i struggle with that alot too. im also so happy to see so many wonderful people here on blogger faithfully reading your blog, i knew they would b/c its amazing! love you!

Post a Comment