first of all i want to say merry christmas to everyone. i hope that is has been and still is a wonderful and happy time for all of you. it has been for me in many, many ways.
i am sitting here with the latest vogue (i love this magazine. it is one of my guilty pleasures.) in my lap and a notebook and pen next to me along with a glass of merlot. i have been mapping out my spring/summer ideas for new products and putting down in paper the direction i have in mind. one thing i know as we near the end of this year, chaotic and wonderful as it has been, is that i want to make plans and i want to keep them. i want to know where i intend to go and how i will get there. and that brings me to my inspiration for this month due to an accumulation of events and reactions and surprises, though not all the good kind.
i know this may seem a surprising thing to be inspired by but i will explain. disappointment, for me anyway, has been something that i have a hard time handling. it has a way of paralyzing me. i allow it to defeat me, in both small and large ways. you know the expression "your own worst enemy"? well, my inability to handle disappointment in a positive way makes me my own worst enemy.
i know this may sound suspiciously like those dreaded new year's resolutions many people will be making in the coming week, but i do not intend for it to. my intent in changing this certain something about myself has not been fueled by the coming of a new year, but rather by my coming to a threshold. you see, i have struggled for the majority of my existence to make time for the things i hold important, such as the success of my new business venture on etsy and a return to the things i love and love doing. crossing this threshold involves increasing my commitment and seriousness to becoming the person i really want to become. up until now i have been blaming things other than myself for my disappointments.
my most common scapegoat for my lack of production and success has been that i never have enough time. however, upon reexamining how i have spent my time most days and evenings, i find that i waste a lot of time exploring dead end ideas, surfing for new ones and just plain pissin' off. i realized in my disappointment that, had i spent my time more wisely and mapped out my ideas and intents, i would have had the structure and direction everyday to be productive even if it was in a small way. when you know where you're going, you move faster and with confidence. my lack of organization and planning had led me straight to the doorstep of disappointment, again and again. this disappointment could have been avoided.
something else that stemmed from my lack of foresight, was the disappointment of many unfinished holiday gifts and projects and the stress of trying to cram a few more in, even though that was nowhere near enough. i felt bad. the disappointment of not being able to complete the things i wanted to got me down. and today, playing a game of poker with my parents, grandparents, siblings and boyfriend, i realized that i had not prioritized properly, if at all. don't get me wrong. i am not saying spending time with family is a wasteful use of time. not at all! what i am referencing when i talk about prioritizing improperly is my use of personal time.
if i were really serious about things that i say i am, then i would approach them in a more structured and intended way. for instance, when we took a road trip to colorado this summer, we mapped out our route, we made lists, we packed and checked off, we reviewed and revised. if i intend to make a success out of anything i do, wouldn't i want to approach these things in the same way?
it all seems so simple and so obvious, but it has taken me a long time and a lot of unnecessary disappointments to get here. is this growing up? i don't know. i laugh when i think of that but i suppose it probably is a part of it. i know that i am beginning to see more clearly the things i want and the places i want to be. my friend laura, of violet bella
, has provided more guidance in her very example than i think she realizes. i look at her and her successes and, rather than feel incompetent or like i'm never going to get there, i am motivated all the more to pursue my dreams. she is a success and i see that it actually can be done.
i am tired of disappointment, though i know it will always be there in one way or another. i just don't want it to be because of my own doing. and when i do experience disappointment, i want to handle it in a constructive way. though i know i will slip back into my old ways from time to time, today i am making it a point to be proactive about my success. i am making it a point to stave off disappointment as best i can and plow headfirst into what's to come. i already know it's going to be good, because i see that i can make it good and that's what i plan to do.
again, i hope that everyone's holiday was full of love and good cheer and i hope you will be joining me in the days to come.
ciao for now.
"this little heart of mine is stitched together with penny threads.
currently listening to: kate nash - skeleton